The Makings of a President

It will not be long now before we must choose our next President. (Are you tingling with anticipation?)

Shall we keep the one we have, or choose from that other party? (A motley assortment, but entertaining)

Well, I'm here to sort you out with a few helpful tips on what to look for in our next commander-in-chief. If you ignore these gems, don't say I didn't warn you. (And I will remind you of this if you choose badly)

Wayne's Tips On Presidential Qualifications, 2012 Edition

Know The Job - Be sure your preferred candidate knows exactly what the job entails, and what it means to take it. Have they studied the policies and decisions of every one of our former leaders (and not just Ronald Reagan)? Are they prepared to be 'alone at the top'? Have they practiced stopping the buck and are they any good at it? Most importantly, how's their constitution (their health, not the document)? We don't want them to look as if they are dying while on a jog (ala Jimmy C), or vomiting on foreign dignitaries (George B Senior).

Know About Money - It's the economy, stupid! Our next President had better know his/her stuff, and I don't just mean how to spout meaningless statistics - that's the Secretary of the Treasury's job. If they can't lecture eloquently on every major recession, dip, and depression since the Great One, and wax profound on how each and every one was fixed (if it was), they don't qualify. Boot them off the list (or move them to the VP queue).

Know Our Enemies (and our friends) - If the next President isn't thoroughly familiar with every threat this nation has ever faced, how can they possibly know who to trust on the world scene? They should know our friends well too, since many of them were - or one day will be - also our enemies.

Know War and What It's Good For (absolutely nothing?) - America has enemies, friendly enemies, and inimical friends (see above). All of whom may at one point or another attack us, appear to attack us, or just be reported on Fox News as possibly thinking about attacking us. At which point our next President must know what War is and whether to wage it (or stop watching Fox).

Know Our Country - In order to qualify for President, a candidate must be able to cite all 50 states and their capitals, as well as list our protectorates and territories (bonus points for their capitals). They should also be able to locate all of these on a map. If none of the candidates can do this - and let's face it that's a possibility, then rank them in order of number correctly chosen. Bonus points if they know what the heck the District of Columbia is.

There you have it. Five simple rules with which to test our future President's qualifications. Of course there are many more important qualifications, like being able to read and write, having a twitter account, and liking dogs, but those are beyond the scope of this humble essay ...