The Effects of Isolation on Osama bin Laden

Aside from getting shot in the eye and dumped in the ocean, the isolated life chosen by Osama bin Laden had some downsides that were less fatal, but still a bummer.

I say, 'Chosen', but OBL can't be said to have actually picked a life of solitude and reclusion for himself. It was more a life choice imposed by predator drones and snitches out for a 25 mill reward. Then again, he could have opted out of the whole jihad thing and remained a pampered, rich-as-he-wanna-be member of the Saudi semi-royalty and avoided all the fuss. So, 'Chosen' it is.

And those downsides? Man, there seem to have been many. Take a look at that beard he had to maintain. Useful for dodging facial recognition programs in a country full of bearded villains, but it had to be itchy as all get-out.

And those long hours of boredom with only his close confidants and a few wives to keep him company? Hardly entertainment enough for such a roguish blade and rugged outdoorsman. Plus, as a Muslim, he couldn't have a drink or three in compensation. Now that's isolation.

If only OBL had a friendly bar to frequent; his own local 'Cheers' to hang out and swap a few stories, and vent. About how his wives were driving him crazy; Or how he'd like to grab Al Zawahiri by the ears and bang his face in the table a few times to teach him some civility (always best to lead by example). Or how much money Pakistani protection was costing him - he couldn't afford another wife with what those crooks left him each month!

But, No. No Beers, No Cheers

Which must be the reason he turned to porn to take the pain off those lonely hours holed up in the lavish bunker that was his Abottabad Abode. For a guy who otherwise could have afforded to hole up in the penthouse suite at the Burj Khalifa with at least 72 'virgins', the porn and possibility a little Afghan poppy-based refreshment must have seemed a sad, but necessary alternative. Better than eeny-meeny-moeing among the wives for the trillionth time, or watching paint dry.

So when we remember the feared and hated Osama bin Laden, let's try not to remember him as the masturbatory, possibly opium-addled, and surely hen-pecked wreck that got tanked by Flying Seals; let's remember him instead as the Osama that might have been if he'd only avoided that Afghan vacation in 1980: debonair, dashing, degenerate millionaire of the desert; humping his way through all the 'virgins' the white slavery market could provide, but otherwise harming not a fly ... (Nah, the Masturbatory Wreck is the better image; Hollywood's gonna make hay with it for sure)