I've offered to be her 'weight-gain' coach, but she is skeptical. Needlessly so, since, Dr. Nick from the Simpsons aside, I am perhaps the foremost expert in adding pounds quickly.
I will reserve an exhaustive list of helpful tips for paying clients, but for those of you with a taste (ahem) for building flab DIY, I can provide a little guidance:
Exercise - don't do any. Period. When getting out of bed in the morning, don't jump up, roll slowly onto the floor. Never walk when you can get a ride. Sit. Sit. Sit. Never leave your bed or sofa on weekends, except for emergencies, or to buy smoothies.
Eating - do it constantly. Always have candy handy between major meals - preferably candy containing peanuts or peanut butter, but any nuts will do when embedded in the right chocolate. Speaking of PB, try peanut butter and cheese sandwiches (good on Rye) for a snack. They pack a powerful caloric punch and tend not to rot easily, so you can carry a spare wherever you go. [Warning: better have some full-fat milk available to wash it down, since a gob full of cheese and PB on Rye can be a choking hazard.]
Drinking - read the labels. Some popular drinks can be ridiculously devoid of useable calories. If you are old enough, don't plan to be driving anywhere, and aren't in danger of addictive behavior, go with some alcohol. Typically very high in calories, especially those thick, 'heady', imported beers, it's just the sort of thing for those long sofa-bound weekends. If you are a teetotaler, then run (scratch that ... drive) to your nearest smoothie vendor and get whatever is on the menu with 500 calories or more. They'll have plenty of options, and you can eat one of your spare PB and Cheese on Ryes while you drink, to enhance the bloat.
And remember the one ingredient in every successful weight gain program: Ice Cream. No other foodstuff gives you so much fat per bite, except, well ... fat.
With these pearls of wisdom, can you believe our friend refuses to take me seriously?
Happy Eating!
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