My Recovery Plan

Everybody should have a personal economic 'Recovery Plan'. Why should the government have all the fun? If bureaucrats can hash together something that sort of works, surely your average citizen can too.

With that goal and spirit in mind, I have set my average citizen's average intelligence to work on the problem. With a focus on ... me. My family, relatives, and friends, though important and much loved, will have to figure it out for themselves. (Consider the following as insurance for better birthday presents. Or at least the presence of presents.)

Here's my intensely personalized plan:

Step 1: Reinvention - Until now, I have pursued roughly three careers: scientist, computer geek, and quality enforcer. While all of these have been rewarding in their way, none have made me securely wealthy. I need a new career to carry me through the rest of my life. One which will finally fetch me that gold ring (why bother with brass) which has been just out of reach. Some options I have considered include doctor (it's never too late), politician (power = money), real estate broker (prices will rise again!), and novelist (the best-selling kind, not the artist). I've had lawyer suggested to me, and that appeals greatly, since lawyers don't appear to work very hard, instead scraping the cream from the top of other people's endeavors (or mistakes), which really appeals to my lazy side. So maybe lawyer. Either that or plumber.

Step 2: Location - Your ability to recover from the recession has a least a little to do with where you live. Why take chances? Move out of the underemployed zone you currently call home and move to where the jobs are. Be sure to update your passport and apply for a visa, though, since where the jobs are is not here in the U.S. of A. I plan to move to American Samoa and become a Samoan lawyer - or plumber. Possibly Minister of Disaster Planning, which could include both skills. (Wait, do I even need a passport for American Samoa?)

and finally,

Step 3: Diversification - Once you have moved to a location conducive to your recovery and achieved that gold ring grabbing job, it's important to think about protecting your assets against any future meltdown. The smart money says you should diversify and spread your money across multiple investments. Then again, 'smart money' thought AIG was nicely diversified. Me, I like honey. Everyone likes honey. And the bees that make it are getting scarce. There's money in bees. There's money in honey. And tires - motorcycle tires specifically. They wear out quickly, and cost a lot. Bees, honey, and tires then.

So that's it for me. A future as a American Samoan lawyer, government minister, and/or plumber, with major investment in bees and honey and a sideline in tires for two-wheelers.

What's YOUR plan?

Waffles?

In following the debate amongst our congressional representatives over health care reform, I am reminded of waffles.

Not warm, tasty waffles, with healthful globs of sugary syrup and the odd strawberry for color, but the dried up frozen kind, overheated in a cranky old toaster. The kind that tend to flip-flop back and forth and wobble wildly when you frisbee them across the room.

I know that politics is compromise. At least, that's what the theorists believe.

I imagine when they view the messy bill that is likely to come out of Congress, they'll see waffles, slightly compromised in some acceptable way, say with butter instead of syrup and minus the strawberry. I'm afraid I'll see just blackened buttery square frisbees that just won't fly.

My 15 Seconds

In Los Angeles, everyone gets onscreen eventually. Just like everyone locks fenders on the 101 eventually. It's a fact of life.

I haven't played bumper pool on the freeway yet (although others in our household have made a contribution to the statistics), but I now have my 15 seconds of 'fame'. I am actually visible in a real Hollywood film.

Granted, it's not a big budget blockbuster. And I don't speak. I mostly sit at a table trying to look as much like a JPL engineer as I can, which is to say I try to look thoughtful, wise, and a touch geeky. Given that persona, I try to react appropriately to what the speaking characters are saying at the table. Luckily, there are no close-ups of me, or else the polymorphous twitching which represented my attempt at reaction might disenchant the critics.

I'm glad nothing I did in my 15 (actually maybe 2?) seconds could possibly effect the critical view of the film, since I'm sure it'll be a good one and deserve a wide viewing. After all, it's based on an engrossing short story called 'Path Lights' and the cast and crew turning it into film are all top notch. The extras (me excepted) aren't bad either. If you click on this link and look at the 11th picture up from the end of the page, you can see me. Well, you can see my left shoulder and part of my head, featuring a stunning left ear and reasonable hair. I am told you can see more of me in the actual film, or you can hold up a thumb and block out my head, your choice.

The film is supposedly being screened at the AFI/Goodson Theater in Los Angeles the last week of October. I don't know for sure since I didn't get an official invitation, and I can't find a link on the web advertising it. No matter really, since I can't make it anyway. I have to work and that means flying to Kansas (Yo, Toto!). But you don't have to miss it. It may be open to the curious public, it may not. Go see if they'll let you in.

Survivor: The Balloon Race

Reality programs have reached an impasse: unplanned real events are more interesting than those currently featured in staged 'reality'. When you can't manipulate 'reality' to make it more interesting than real, random, reality, it's time to punt. Or redefine what's meant by 'reality'.

One possible solution to the conundrum would be to place cameras in the homes of thousands of randomly selected people (or, better yet, right on the people) and have them record a year in their lives. Then edit the mess together for some sort of series. Something interesting is bound to happen right? Truly inspired editing might help.

The result certainly can't be worse than the offerings of 'reality' we have on air now. Hell, the whole 'balloon boy' media event got more attention than the actual televised reality programs. Of course, it's starting to look as if that bit of news was just a staged 'reality' as well, but it did hold interest.

So why not riff on something proven to get attention? Survivor should plan a series where teams take off in homemade balloons. The plot should be which team can go from, say, San Diego, to Paris (to provide an exciting over-the-water stretch) in 13 episodes. Bonus points if the teams can fool local police into believing the flights are accidental runaways containing nuns, small children, or women known to have slept with David Letterman.

I'd watch that. Maybe ...

Emergency Room Downtime

We all lead busy lives. Maybe not doing work, given the economy, but certainly we are busy looking for work. And when not actively working or looking, we spend tons of time engaging in whatever distracting activities we can to forget about how much we dislike working, or being out of work. That's tiring, and some of us need a rest.

So why not go to your nearest large hospital and visit the emergency room? Go there the next time you cut an artery while doing-it-yourself, or botch a suicide attempt. Hell, go there if you just think you've got the plague, or botulism, or end-stage lyme disease. If you have any of those, or feel like you do, you definitely need a rest.

Why go to a busy, chaotic, emergency room to rest? Because you are guaranteed plenty of downtime. Time where you can do nothing else but sit, bleed, and wait, for hours and hours. Time where you have an iron-clad excuse to be off the grid, out of touch, unable to contribute.

While driving around ticking off chores from my 'To Do' list the other day, I heard a blurb on the radio about some hospital somewhere (I wasn't paying close attention at first) that established new 'guidelines' - promises really - for emergency room care. This hospital promised not more than 13 patients would wait not more than 11 hours for care.

I don't know about you, but I could use 11 hours of downtime. Not so sure about that number 13 in an emergency room though ...

Babbleocity 28: Who Can You Trust?

Sometime the answer surprises, others not ...

Karzai - The US has reluctantly accepted Hamid Karzai as President for a second term, even amidst evidence of widespread election rigging that may render as many as 1.5 million votes fraudulent. That's the worst case of it's kind since the US Supreme Court reluctantly (or so I've heard) accepted George W. Bush as President in 2000. Mr. Karzai gained power in Afghanistan with the help of the Bush Administration - maybe they helped him with his campaign strategy too? Trust!

Sinai - You've got cancer. Sorry to hear that. But - you have great insurance and your doctor is sending you to Cedars-Sinai, one of the finest hospitals in the US, maybe the world, where your brain will be scanned ... wait, what did you say? You read in the LA Times they overdosed people with radiation? Over 200 of them, for more than a year? Oh, but it was a problem with the scanning equipment, right? No? You say that Cedars staff changed the settings and forgot to change them back? That's not so good. But, on the other hand, they didn't kill anybody (at least, not right away) - and didn't you hear Cedars was chosen as one of the top hospitals for survivability in the country? Trust!

Banzai - Cruise control is a nice accessory for your car. I can't recall using mine more than a - oh, half dozen times in the last dozen years, but I imagine it can be useful. Engaging that auto throttle control might relax you, relieving the pressure on your right leg so the sciatica won't keep you up all night. The usefulness of that relief, however, is lost immediately if said cruise control engages warp nine and can't be turned off. In fact, it's worse than un-useful, it's lethal, and Toyota is taking the rap for instances of this sort of fatal uselessness happening to their electronically sophisticated cars. So far, Toyota has traced some of the blame to misplaced floormats (high tech system, low tech problem), but investigators are taking a close look at the electronic controls of the cars involved. Apparently they can be difficult to shut off while driving, or at least, the procedure to do so is arcane, and not something easily done while rocketing down the I-5 at 120. Trust!

Be sure to avoid campaign advice from any former Bush or Karzai staffer, always double-check the settings of your brain scanner, and properly adjust (or throw away) your floormats.

And always ask, 'Who Can I Trust?", the answer might surprise you ...

Poetry Break: Jobless Recovery

I'm told we are in recovery

They say life's getting better

But I don't have a steady job

And I hocked my dog's last sweater

I can't pay the bills

or plan a nice vacation

What money I earn provides no frills

And my mortgage doesn't qualify for modification.

I play the lottery but never win it,

so please shut up about this recovery

At least, until I'm in it ...

Babble-On 27: The Airport Discombobulation

Pulling on my Andy Rooney Halloween mask a tad early ...

Most Wanted - Have you ever noticed how protective people are of their place in line? Just the other day I was spending a pleasant half hour waiting at airport security with my fellow lemmings when I noticed another traveler (apparently) walking around the corner purposely with bag in tow. I stepped out of line briefly and for not more than twenty feet - to see where he'd gone. Perhaps he'd found an open line and I could signal my fellow line standers towards freedom. But no, he'd disappeared (where?) and I stepped quickly back into line. From the looks of the others you would have though I was Dillinger - and not the Johnny Depp version.

Delusions of Grandeur fueled by Anonymity - Have you ever noticed how some people, traveling alone in busy airports, can seem oblivious to others around them? I noticed a man of mature age, sitting by himself at the airport gate, finish up a burrito, roll up the wrapping paper, and toss it - exaggerated NBA style - at the nearest trash receptacle. In full view of dozens, perhaps a hundred, people. Have you ever noticed how the veil of anonymity can be ripped away during the long, slow walk to recover an errant 'ball'?

Fuel needed but not desired (aka, the Consumption Conundrum) - Have you ever noticed how hard it is to decide which horrible, overpriced airport food to take with you on the plane? Have you ever paced back and forth between shops and their options like a hungry tiger faced with two plates, neither containing the desired antelope? Have you made a desperate decision, bought something - anything- and felt immediate remorse, and later, indigestion?

I really do love Airports ... but mostly when I'm not in one ...

Big Gov

You have heard it from the righty words of the Right: Mr. Obama is all about Big Government. He is out to establish an ever-widening web of czars and sundry civil servants who will take away our every option for free action and self-determination. Right? Right.

But not so fast. What would the Right do, if they were in power now? What did they do when Bush was in the oval office (he was in the oval office occasionally, wasn't he)?

The Republicans under Bush took big chunks of our personal freedom away ('Patriot' Act) and tried to turn the Iraq War into one giant pension fund for Cheney et al - witness all those no-bid KBR and Halliburton contracts. They told us who could marry who, and fought to ensure women couldn't make decisions about their own bodies. They spent billions on wars that never had to happen, costing thousands of American lives, as means to an end that wasn't even right, wasn't even necessary, and they left us with a global, very costly, mess to clean up (if we even can). They dismissed an entire industry of airport security scanners and replaced them with a bureaucratic agency, the TSA, that does - as far as I can see - exactly what the previous scanners did, only with a lot more people (and I will guess at far greater cost).

Big Government happens with both parties, it's the approach and the goals that differ. Me, I'd prefer a government that gets big trying to help me and my fellow citizens, rather than one that bloats with ways and means of spying on us, and wages big war across the globe.

I'll Take Trigger

Fire up the wayback machine, Sherman, and take me back to a simpler time. A time when TV showed Westerns - including those oddball not-quite-Old-West ones, like 'Sky King', and 'The Roy Rogers Show'.

Ah, Roy Rogers and his horse, Trigger. And faithful dog Bullet. And his sidekick's old jeep, 'Nellie Belle'. Good TV for a dreamy kid back in the day. Who cared if it was in black and white? Trigger was beautiful, and 'triggered' a lengthy but ultimately unfulfilled obsession with Palomino horses that lingers (impotently, but firmly) in my psyche still.

Fast forward to a time not so long ago. Visiting the 'Roy Rogers Museum' in Apple Valley with my own kids, admiring the knick knacks and detritus of Roy's life on display along with his deceased and stuffed companions (just the animals, his sidekick escaped that fate). My kids impressed at all the 'stuff' and I half amused at the tackiness of much of it, but half still a kid in a candy store.

There were a few more good visits to that museum of American Dream nostalgia, but not enough by us or anyone else to keep the place solvent, so the Roger's estate up and moved the whole thing to Branson, Missouri - that showpiece of midwest banality done up as Disneyland Music Hall meets a family-friendly Las Vegas. A logical move I guess, since Branson was targeted at the soft white middle of the great mass of nostalgic boomers and their still-extant parents and kin. Just the folks who might remember and love Roy best. But to yank out the cowboy heart of high desert California and stick it in Missouri? Criminal.

A bit of sadness tinged with resentful glee, then, to hear The Roy Roger's Museum in Branson is closing its doors due to declining attendance and 'the economy'. The news isn't all bad though: the 'memorabilia' and 'artifacts' will be sold, according to a blurb in USA Today (October 7, 2009).

I'll take Trigger. I'll even trade my 1955 Roy Rogers Singing Cowboy guitar for him ...

Flying in a Bad Dream

One of the more disheartening manifestations of this economic 'repression', is the crumbling infrastructure and sinking service of once-mighty airlines. I don't want to name names, but I think most of you who've experienced the airline I have in mind would be united in opinion.

Once a leader of the industry, this airline has reduced it's fleet from over 600 to fewer than 400 jets, and it's workforce from over 100,000 to something shy of 50,000. All of this in less than 5 years. Now that's a plunge steeper and scarier than any landing at San Diego's Lindbergh Field.

So what, I hear you say? A lot of companies have to cut back to save money in the recession, and it makes them more efficient. At least that's how Wall Street views it, rewarding the cost cutters with increased stock prices. Maybe, but it doesn't quite work out for airlines, at least not the one of which I speak.

Fewer planes means fewer backups should one break. That means delays and cancellations. Fewer planes also mean fewer alternative flights for those displaced passengers to 'standby' for. The end result is a horde of pissed off passengers who have either been stranded, or spent twice as long getting where they were going (and arriving without their bags which were lost in all the changes). Not quite the definition one would give to 'efficient'.

I used to fly this airline frequently. I subscribed to their private 'club', so I could sit and nosh on cheap snacks and work away from the noise and hubbub of the terminal. I never had a cancellation and only minor delays - nothing I would call a bad experience. How things have changed.

On a recent trip from LA to the East Coast, my flight out of LAX was delayed, then my alternate bookings were also delayed, until all hope of making connections was lost and I had to be re-routed through another hub. Then THAT flight was delayed enough to miss connections too. A precautionary standby booking finally paid off and I managed to get to the hub only for that flight to be delayed too. By my count that was four delayed flights in a single outbound trip.

Bad Luck not yet satisfied, my return trip was worse. My connecting flight out of the hub was about 40 minutes out when we had to turn around and return with 'mechanical issues'. The pilot tried to sneak back, but some observant passengers noted the turn which forced an announcement. After a semi-tense return trip, we were kept on the plane while the mechanics worked on the problem. Unfortunately, they were busy on some other emergency repairs ahead of ours.

About an hour later, the problem reportedly fixed, we attempted a take off. Just as we were 3rd in line for departure, the pilot announced the problem had returned and the takeoff was aborted. After a slow return to the gate, we were ushered off the plane and to another gate where we commandeered (essentially) the plane that was about to take a bunch of folks to their destination. I thought they behaved quite well given the circumstances, with most restraining their indignation and rage admirably. Angry stares weren't taken personally. We WERE taking THEIR plane, after all. But we weren't about to let sympathy interfere with our getting home.

That commandeered plane got us back to LA. Too late as it turned out for all of the connecting flights - those passengers were trundled off to hotels. I dragged my weary self to the car park and drove another 30 minutes home. I fell quickly asleep, and out of a bad dream.

EPILOGUE: The airline gave every passenger on that problematic return flight a voucher for a compensation of your choice (from a limited list). Fair enough, as damage control goes. I have also been once more on this airline since that experience (not by choice), and it was uneventful. But as I scanned the monitors at the airports, I noticed quite a few delays and cancellations - and not just for the airline in question. The problems are widespread, and they don't disappear because you don't experience them.

No, David!

Joining the already roiling ranks of the publicly humiliated, David Letterman came clean to his audience and the press on Thursday, admitting to having sex with women (note the plural) who worked on his show.

Women who worked on his show. That would make him their boss. And that's considered sexual harassment, as anyone who's had to sit through the corporate training sessions on that subject would No (ah, ... know). Mr. L must have missed that meeting.

Of course, Letterman is the innocent in this scandal. It's really the person (or persons) who attempted to extort blackmail to the tune of 2 million from him who're the real nasties, right? Well, that's how David (and CBS I am sure) would hope we'll feel. After all, he did the right thing and told the authorities, despite it meaning his secret would come out.

Nobody ever said David Letterman wasn't brave. Telling the police rather than coughing up the millions was gutsy - or cheap, possibly. I guess we'll never really know which.

One thing though is sure, David clearly doesn't know boundaries, whether as spouse or boss, much like Bill Clinton, that Sanford guy, and a littany of other prominents who have contributed to our national loss of innocence and trust.