It is also a season of eating.
Constant, relentless eating.
The adopted image of the season to many of us is a jolly fat man in a red suit, but whatever our background we all understand that this is the time to ... EAT.
And we do it with no guilt, in the spirit of the season.
No guilt, that is, until after the New Year when the gifted clothes don't fit, and we glumly consider a never-ending series of fat-burning gym visits.
And we do it with no guilt, in the spirit of the season.
No guilt, that is, until after the New Year when the gifted clothes don't fit, and we glumly consider a never-ending series of fat-burning gym visits.
... Or a summer spent wearing oversize Hawaiian shirts.
Well, this year you can avoid the guilt, the gym visits, and more importantly those shirts, by adopting Wayne's Emergency Weight Loss Regimen.
And here it is, in simple, easy to follow steps:
Join (or form) a religion with strict dietary restrictions
Well, this year you can avoid the guilt, the gym visits, and more importantly those shirts, by adopting Wayne's Emergency Weight Loss Regimen.
And here it is, in simple, easy to follow steps:
Join (or form) a religion with strict dietary restrictions
Like a religion than bans the eating of foul (i.e., chicken, turkey, parrots). If you or a member of your household are also Hindu and Jewish, you will have drastically reduced the calories available to you from meat. A good mutton is hard to come by, so that leaves just fish, which we all know is healthier for you. Doesn't mercury actually burn calories ? [If you are Vegan you are ahead in this game, but wow are you weird!]
Take up a sport for the Holidays
Take up a sport for the Holidays
Like rowing. Nothing burns calories like rowing. Nothing. Not even starvation. If you survive, you WILL be thinner.
Get involved in the new administration
Get involved in the new administration
Join President-Elect Obama's transition team (It's probably not too late). You will have so much work to do between now and January 20th, there will be no time to eat. Quick meals will be on order: for Thanksgiving you might expect to enjoy a slurry of intravenous turkey with a cold compress of mashed potatoes, followed by a cranberry ice cream enema. (Must stay mobile!)
and, last but not least, if the first three items aren't practical for you, try:
Wayne's modified golden rule of eating
and, last but not least, if the first three items aren't practical for you, try:
Wayne's modified golden rule of eating
Eat like your mother said you should, using a variation on the old saw, 'breakfast is golden, lunch is silver, and dinner is bronze'.
Updating this ancient bit of wisdom we get, 'breakfast is Mean, lunch is Lean, and dinner is Green'.
Which simply means: have whatever fats you can shove in your mouth for breakfast, eat nothing but low or no-fat foods for lunch, and nothing but vegetables, fruits, and salads (nonfat dressing) for dinner.
This may prove challenging, and some would prefer to starve, or join a rowing team. But if you fit in neither category, are not the religion-forming type, and can't see yourself as a key Obama councilor, then give this regimen a try.
If you do, you'll certainly be a killjoy at holiday dinners, but you'll be a thinner killjoy come Spring!
Updating this ancient bit of wisdom we get, 'breakfast is Mean, lunch is Lean, and dinner is Green'.
Which simply means: have whatever fats you can shove in your mouth for breakfast, eat nothing but low or no-fat foods for lunch, and nothing but vegetables, fruits, and salads (nonfat dressing) for dinner.
This may prove challenging, and some would prefer to starve, or join a rowing team. But if you fit in neither category, are not the religion-forming type, and can't see yourself as a key Obama councilor, then give this regimen a try.
If you do, you'll certainly be a killjoy at holiday dinners, but you'll be a thinner killjoy come Spring!
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